The White Room
Task: A Radio play
[SFX: Thick heavy rope, swinging - then footsteps tentatively approaching.]
COLIN (CHOKING)
Excuse me… Yes, you… Don’t just stand there, gawping. Can you get a chair please? … As soon as, oh God…
[SFX: Footsteps retreat, then a heavy chair is dragged into position.]
COLIN
Thanks. (GASPING) Phew. That was close, huh? (HE COUGHS)
ELIAS
What is this place?
COLIN
No. I’m fine. Thanks for asking.
ELIAS
What?
COLIN
Never mind. I have no idea. I’ve been hanging around for some time now… Ha! Geddit? Hanging around! Ba-dum-tish!
ELIAS
What?
COLIN
Don’t concern yourself with it all. People come and go at a surprising rate.
ELIAS
How long have you been here?
COLIN
Ah. Now. That’s a tricky question to answer because Time, here, is … difficult to gauge.
ELIAS (UNZIPPING A COAT POCKET)
My watch has stopped. And my phone doesn’t work.
COLIN
What’s that?
ELIAS (ZIPPING UP)
Nothing.
COLIN
Really? It looked like something strapped to -
ELIAS
It’s nothing. You were saying something about the time.
COLIN
Yes. I was, wasn’t I? I have no clue how long I have been here.
ELIAS
So why hang yourself from the noose?
COLIN
I was bored.
ELIAS
And the get-up?
COLIN
What do you mean?
ELIAS
Why are you dressed as a clown? And a scary one at that? A good job I’m not afraid of clowns, ha?
COLIN
Yes. I could tell by your demeanour when you arrived. You do not suffer from coulrophobia. Many people do.
ELIAS
So why the costume?
COLIN
Trying to avoid sarcasm, let’s just say it’s because ... I’m a clown.
ELIAS
Who tried to hang himself? Not very funny.
COLIN
Not all clowns are.
ELIAS
You’re not. You look stupid. What’s your name?
COLIN
Colin.
ELIAS
Colin The Clown? That’s a shit name.
COLIN
No! That’s MY name. I’m dressed as Bumble The Clown. Or Mr Bumble to you! Wa-hay!
[SFX: Hand-horn hoots twice.]
ELIAS
Sad.
[SFX: ELIAS walks away.]
COLIN
You won’t be able to leave until your name is called. You may as well grab yourself a chair and sit down.
[SFX: COLIN sits, sighing with the relief.]
What’s your favourite colour?
ELIAS
This room is so white, but there’s no obvious place where the light’s coming from.
COLIN
A white poodle coming up.
[SFX: A hand pump inflating a balloon.]
I don’t think it can be called a room if it doesn’t have windows or doors.
[SFX: Tying a knot in the balloon.]
I would refer to this place as a Space.
[SFX: Modelling the balloon, whilst talking.]
A White Space. Admittedly, there’s no obvious floor or ceiling either. And don’t even think of wandering off in search of a wall. I’ve tried. There simply isn’t one. There’s only me and a few people that come and go.
ELIAS
Am I dead?
COLIN
What’s your last thought?
ELIAS
I remember hoping it wouldn’t hurt.
COLIN
What wouldn’t?
ELIAS
The explosion.
COLIN
Then, yes. I assume you’ve died… There you are. One white poodle. Ooh. Let me get a marker and draw a nose…
[SFX: Squeaking.]
… a mouth …
[SFX: Squeaking.]
… and two happy eyes …
[SFX: Squeaking.]
… Explosion, eh? Sounds violent.
ELIAS
It was meant to be. I blew myself up and, hopefully, many western soldiers, too.
COLIN (SIGHING)
And you have the balls to claim I’m sad. Well you don’t deserve this.
[SFX: Balloon being popped and ripped from its shape.]
ELIAS
I never asked for your shitty balloon. You presumed. Like the Western governments presume they know what’s best for my country and my people.
COLIN
And what country is that?
ELIAS
You know what. Afghanistan.
COLIN
I’m not Afghan. I’m British.
ELIAS
Then how can you understand me?
COLIN
I’ve been here long enough to know language is irrelevant. We all understand each other with the one tongue… Well, when I say understand… How could you kill innocent people?
ELIAS
They are not innocent. They are all Westerners or linked to the evil West.
COLIN
Waiting for your virgins now, are we?
ELIAS
Trying to be funny, clown? Ha?
COLIN
Ooh. What you going to do? Hit me? Kill me? Blow yourself up again? That’s what I saw strapped round your chest just now. It’s the explosive vest, isn’t it? Ridiculous.
ELIAS
Think I’m ridiculous, do you? Me? Look in a mirror sometime. At least I died for what I believe in. I have faith in something. What do you have?
[SFX: Little honk.]
COLIN (NASAL)
Don’t squeeze my nose! Ouch! Let go!!
ELIAS
Not smiling now, are we? Pathetic.
COLIN
No need to be so violent. All that testosterone pumping through you. Use your brain for a change.
ELIAS
You want more?
COLIN
No no no no no. Please. But you’ve no idea how much it hurts when you squeeze my nose like that.
ELIAS
Then take it off.
COLIN
I can’t. It’s a permanent fixture. Just like your vest. There’s no way you’ll get it off. Not here. You’re stuck with it. Like me and my make-up.
[SFX: ELIAS unzipping his jacket and trying to remove his clothing and the vest. As he struggles, COLIN talks.]
People come and people go. Most are in denial. Some don’t stay long... (TO HIMSELF) and the sooner you’re called, the better… (TO ELIAS) Look. Stop it. Just accept that they won’t come off.
[SFX: ELIAS slows down, then stops. He slumps into the chair and sobs.]
Hey, now. It’s not that bad. Not that you can do anything about it. Cheer up. Would you like me to sing you a little song? Yes. You would, wouldn’t you? Let me see, where is it? Ah…
[SFX: A quick warm-up strum on a ukulele.]
(SINGING AND PLAYING THE UKULELE)
My Name is Mister Bumble.
You really mustn’t grumble
‘Cos when your tum does rumble
Just have an apple crumble.
My name is Mister Bumble!
I thank you. I’m here all week - don’t forget to tip the waitress!
ELIAS
… Why are you here?
COLIN
What? Whilst being an evil Westerner, you mean? And ending up in the same place as you? Confuses you, does it? Well, I have no idea.
ELIAS
Go away.
COLIN
I wish I could…
[SFX: Ukulele starts again - a different tune.]
Does your brain think all the time?
Do you search for certain rhymes?
Let’s try ‘bumble’!
There’s stumble and fumble and humble and jumble and mumble and stumble and -
[SFX: Ukulele abruptly stops.]
ELIAS
Shut up!
COLIN
Hey. Give that back.
ELIAS
Get back into your noose and hang yourself again.
COLIN
I didn’t hang myself when I died.
ELIAS
What were you doing? Your act?
COLIN
V funny.
JUNE
Ooh - a ukulele. Do you play?
ELIAS
Shit! You scared the crap out of me. Where did you come from?
COLIN
Told you people come and go, didn’t I? Weren’t you listening - or did the explosion make you deaf, too? (TO JUNE) Hello, my love.
JUNE
Oh. A clown. How marvellous.
COLIN
Have a seat.
JUNE
Thankyou, young man.
COLIN
Call me Mr Bumble. Or, as we’re being informal, Bum!
(JUNE laughs)
And what’s your name, my lovely young lady?
JUNE
I’m June.
COLIN
Born around the longest day, no doubt.
JUNE
How did you know?
COLIN
Just a wild stab in the dark - like Gordon Ramsey slicing himself during a power cut!
(JUNE laughs)
ELIAS
Unbelievable…
JUNE
Go on, then. Play me a tune.
ELIAS
I don’t play. It’s his.
JUNE
Well let him play.
[SFX: Ukulele being passed back to COLIN.]
COLIN
Any requests? No, tough, I’m gonna play anyway!
(JUNE laughs)
What would you like?
JUNE
Bring Me Sunshine?
[SFX: Ukulele playing as COLIN sings. JUNE sings along when invited.]
COLIN
Bring me sunshine in your smile.
Bring me laughter all the while -
ELIAS - Oh God.
COLIN
- In this world where we live
there should be more happiness,
So much joy you can give
To each brand new bright tomorrow.
Make me happy -
ELIAS - I don’t believe this.
COLIN
- Through the years - All together, come on June!
Never bring me any tears. (JUNE JOINS IN)
Let your arms be as warm as the sun from up above.
Bring me fun, bring me sunshine, bring me love!