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Snow not-so-White

The Writers' Block #29 - Theme: A Vary Tale - a variation of a Fairy Tale

They stood in a line, as usual, to bid her farewell.

‘Goodbye, Dopey,’ she said, kissing him on the forehead. ‘Doc. Oh, if you insist, here’s a handshake. Sleepy … oh, shh, don’t wake up.’ She kissed her fingers and let them brush his cheek. ‘Now, who’s next? Ah, Happy, have a nice day! - And Bashful, what’s so fascinating about the ground? I’m up here!’ She hugged them both. ‘Grumpy. Now, now. Such a long face.’ She kissed his nose as he tutted. ‘And… Sneezy. Here, have this handkerchief.’

Sneezy grinned and was about to say how delightful it was to receive it, but he inhaled, wide-eyed, before sneezing into it. They all laughed as she blew him a kiss.

‘And, finally, goodbye Dopey,’ she said, kissing him on the forehead. ‘I won’t be long. Just nipping to the market. Have a fruitful day in the mines!’

‘We will!’ most of them answered, waving and watching her go.

Doc looked along the line, clicked his fingers - which woke Sleepy - and they marched back into the cottage, gathering around the kitchen table. Then Doc rummaged around in his trousers and produced something white, a few inches long. He focussed on it a moment for additional reassurance, frowned and tossed the pregnancy tester onto the table. It landed with a plastic clatter and slid to a halt near the centre. They all leaned in for a closer look.

‘Wow. That’s great news!’ Happy said.

Grumpy tutted.

Dopey tutted, smiled, then looked confused, wondering where the sound had come from. He tutted again to be on the safe side, holding Doc’s trouser leg for comfort.

Doc tugged himself free and cleared his throat, regaining some authority by hitching up his trousers so high, his braces buckled. ‘So, it’s true. Snow White is with child. And I want to know who is responsible.’

All twelve eyes scanned each other, looking for an answer, seeking the truth. Apart from Sleepy, who snored quietly in his chair, a dribble of drool peeking from his lips and beginning its journey south.

Bashful blushed. ‘It.. It’s not me,’ he stammered. ‘Why, even the thought of it makes me go all gooey inside.’

Grumpy huffed. ‘Well, don’t even think it! All I can foresee at this moment is dirty nappies everywhere and a child screaming at all hours. Life will become intolerable here… What are you so happy about, grinning like that?’

Happy, taken aback by the implied pointy finger, almost faltered. ‘For me, I couldn’t think of anything better than the joy a baby brings. As for being the father, well, I wish!’

They looked at Dopey. He pulled his hat down over his head and shook it from side to side. So, it wasn’t him. He tried tutting again, but hearing the sound alone in the dark inside his hat scared him so much he almost wet himself.

Doc re-focussed the group, concluding. ‘And I know it can’t be me because I self-administered a vasectomy the day after she arrived - just in case she fell for my obvious charms. And I would remember, even at my age, making love to her. I’m sure I would.’

‘Oh, my,’ whispered Bashful.

Grumpy simply muttered, ‘Disgusting.’

Sneezy sneezed, receiving unwanted attention. ‘What? … Oh, no, no. I wouldn’t get very far without spraying her with spittle. Definitely not a winner with the ladies. So, it’s not me.’

‘Well, this has got us nowhere!’ Doc fumed. ‘Come on, let’s head to the diamond mine. We’ll talk more about it later.’

And they left. Axes and picks over shoulders, seemingly with no care in the world, heading to work.

Apart from Sleepy. Still in the chair, drooling a little, with one twinkling eye open and a small, all-knowing grin.


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