Are we immortal? Having been alive now for 20,240 days and feeling that the Universe is in Lockdown, I have found myself asking some crucial questions. Through these tough thorough thoughts, though, (and that bit needs to be seen, not heard, to be truly appreciated!) I am more aware that some people believe we are made up of matter that has been around since the dawn of time, ever changing, from the big bang until the end of everything. That is a long time. Literally, an eternity. Equating, for some, like watching test cricket, or snooker, or golf. As the membership Secretary of the AWPD (The Association of Watching Paint Dry) and a regular attendee of their AGMs, I know the meaning of eternity. Still, it’s better than starting a new TikTok craze, searching for the subplots in Bridgerton or dusting.
Being alive throughout all of time is certainly a strain. Thank goodness we don’t remember everything that has happened so far. The last time an individual had this awareness, he panicked and suggested a beloved character in The Archers fell off a roof - that particular butterfly effect is still reverberating across the cosmos.
Immortality can be approached more sensibly through the concept of reincarnation. That’s why Buddhists are so calm. This notion is easier to handle, especially when I realise that I have lived before - and at some crucial and not-so-crucial moments in history. It’s satisfying to know that I was once a dinosaur, for instance, and, most probably, a gasosaurus. Who needs an asteroid to wipe them out when I could fart them into extinction…?
Around the 7th Century, I believe I lived in India and invented chess. This is true! But in my version, the winner really had to go and take a King. This made the game difficult for a few reasons, proving too technical for most players and it never caught on.
During the last years of the 16th Century, my drinking buddy and lover was one Richard Cawdrey. One drunken night, arguing who knew the most words, I began to write down every word I knew. I even asked Shakespeare to make a few to boost my numbers… I was really proud of it, too, until Richard said it would have been better if I’d put the words in alphabetical order. I said he should stop being such a pimple-arsed bandicoot and that if he wanted it in alphabetical order he should bloody well go through them all and do it himself. I stormed off and died instantly under the feet of a stampeding urchin. I wonder what happened to him and my book…
I recall sitting beside Fats Waller in Chicago during the 1930s, as he recorded a few of his most famous songs: I’m Gonna Sit Right Down And Write Myself A Letter, Black Raspberry Jam, I’ve Got My Fingers And Toes Crossed and, the classic, Our Love Was Not Meant To Be (So Leave, Leave, Leave Me Alone). I’m not sure what I was doing there, but it was fun while it lasted.
I could go on, but it would make you wish you were elsewhere, doing something more productive with your time. Like playing a game of Monopoly, in full, to the bitter end, with close family and only sticking to the rules that came with it.
Instead I will finish by telling you that this afternoon, after years of secret research, I invented the time machine. Unfortunately, during the crucial fizzing and throbbing stage, my wifi dropped out again. This caused the machine to buffer while I was in transit. One unexpected result, though, was the sudden realisation of the meaning of life. So it’s not all bad, is it? And I haven’t noticed any anomalies yet… during the crucial fizzing and throbbing stage, my wifi dropped out again. This caused the machine to buffer while I was in transit. One unexpected result, though, was the sudden realisation of the meaning of life. So it’s not all bad, is it? And I haven’t noticed any anomalies yet…